How to Help a Homesick Child at Camp

A mom on a call with me this winter asked me this:

"So what happens when kids are, like, crying at the beginning and they're, like, homesick? Like, what do you... What do you do?"

Almost every new camp parent asks some version of it.

Most parents think homesickness is all about their kid missing home. That's part of it. The bigger part, most of the time, is a kid who doesn't understand how the dining hall works yet.

I've spent 30 summers at camp, visited more than 500 camps in 48 states, and now I run one in New Hampshire. I've sat with a lot of homesick kids.

I made a short video on this:

The Short Answer

Homesickness is normal. Your kid misses you, and they don't understand the new place they're in yet. The way to help a homesick child at camp is to help them want to be there, then help them figure out how it works.

Homesickness at camp is the mix of missing home and not yet knowing how a new place works. When a kid wants to be there and gets how it works, it fades.

Their Factory Setting

When an 8-year-old has a problem, they go get mom. That's their factory setting. For their whole life, a skinned knee means mom, hungry means mom, and not sure what to do means mom.

Then they get to camp. It's this magical land, they're uncertain, and their number one way to solve problems is gone.

It's like their first year at Hogwarts, and they're not sure where the Great Hall is.

The world's leading expert on this is Michael Thompson, the psychologist who wrote Homesick and Happy. What he tells you, in a lot of words, is that homesickness is normal. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just a kid having a hard time figuring out what to do in a new place.

There's a name for the stuff nobody explains to a new kid. I call it the Hidden Curriculum.

Joey's First Summer

It's the first day of camp, and a first-year camper is having a hard time. Let's call him Joey. He doesn't want to go to dinner, and his counselor flags me over.

"Jack, Joey doesn't feel so good."

So we go over to the health center and sit with him. I text his mom. She says he's been worried about camp. He didn't eat lunch, and now he's not eating dinner.

We do all the things you do at camp, which is mostly listening. We reflect back to him what's going on. He gets excited and gets into the program.

It's not perfect for Joey all summer. He has flare-ups. Mostly he has a great time.

Halfway through the summer we have Big Weekend. Joey is wearing a slightly different color t-shirt than the other kids in his formation, and he has kind of a meltdown.

"You know, Jack, I don't want to do this."

"Okay."

He sits out and watches the rest of his team do formation. He realizes in that moment that he missed out on something.

That choice changed everything.

Last week of camp is Color War. We do something like formation called song and cheer. And there's Joey, front and center, beaming, with a special part. He knows this place now. He calls it home.

That's one summer.

The Homesick Graph

I think about homesickness like a graph with two lines.

The bottom says "I don't want to be at camp. I'm not interested in trying." The top says "I want to be here. Let me really try." The left says "I don't understand this place." The right says "I get it. This is my home."

Our job is to move kids up toward "I want to be here" and over toward "I understand this place."

It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to manage every one of a kid's emotions. At the core, it's two practical problems. Can we help them want to be here, and can we help them understand how this place works?

When a kid lands in that top right corner, that's when they're most successful at camp. That's when homesickness fades away.

What Should I Say to My Homesick Child?

Before any tips, hear this. Your kid has probably been homesick, or will be. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad parent, and it doesn't make them a bad kid.

It's normal. And getting through it is an awesome skill.

Don't make a pickup deal. I know it's tempting. "If you don't love it after 24 hours, I'll come pick you up." What that does is lock them in at the bottom of the graph. It says, "I don't like it here, and I'm not going to move."

Instead, say, "I love you and I know you got this. I'll miss you, and camp is going to be great!" Then talk about the things they're excited for. Listen when they're having a hard time. Then help them turn toward the stuff they want, the activities they want to try, the friends they want to make.

Have the homesick talk before camp starts. Something like this:

"You're probably going to be a little homesick. That's totally normal. If you start to feel it, go talk to your counselor or the camp director. And think about what you don't understand yet, then ask for help with that piece."

Give them the words. "I don't know what to do in the dining hall. Normally I'd ask my mom."

Don't tell your kid their feelings are an emergency. They aren't, and at camp we won't treat them like one. We are going to listen, and we're going to dig in.

Should I Pick Up My Homesick Child From Camp?

You're trying to thread a line. On one side is "tough it up, you'll be fine, don't even worry about it." On the other is snowplow parenting, where you fix everything so they never have to worry about anything.

None of us grow if things don't get a little hard. The growth zone is where we feel safe, it's a little bit new, and it's not so scary that we retreat.

That's what you're aiming for with camp. Your kid gets to overcome something hard, and they're going to need that skill when they go off to college or move into their first apartment.

You won't be guessing, either. If your kid is homesick in the first couple of days at our camp, you're going to get a text from me or from one of our division leaders. You get the real story. It's not a black box.

So when is picking up the right call? When things aren't getting better after about 72 hours, or when the camp director stops being collaborative.

Work with the camp. If they're communicating with you, they'll have great insight into your kid. If they aren't, it might not be a good fit.

Everybody Goes to Camp

My friend Eric likes to say, "Everybody goes to camp. Some people just call it college."

There's going to be a day your kid leaves the house and goes out into the unknown. Sleepaway camp is the perfect first step.

Homesickness is a little bit of missing home. Mostly it's not understanding how camp works yet, and not being excited to be there. Those are two very practical problems, and we can solve both.

5 Questions to Ask a Camp About Homesickness

Ask these on your next call with a camp director.

Ask every camp you're looking at these five questions. Ask mine too.

This summer is going to be amazing.

You got this,

Jack

P.S. If your kid is nervous about camp, or you are, text me at 585-451-5141.

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