Is Sleepaway Camp Good for a Shy Kid?

A girl who hated sleepovers told her mom she wanted to go to sleepaway camp.

Her mom said what any of us would say. "You hate sleepovers. Why would I sign you up for summer camp?"

The girl had it worked out already. She didn't like sleepovers at people's houses, she said, because that's when she felt sad, since the other kid has their parents right there. "But at camp, no one has their parents."

Then she picked the long session over the short one.

Her mom told me that story this month. Her daughter has always been pretty shy, she said, and that first summer, "in every picture I saw of her, she was beaming."

So is sleepaway camp good for a shy kid? Most of the time, yes, and I think a quiet kid often gets more out of it than the kid who can walk into any room. But there's a catch that most camp websites skip. Camp is not going to turn your quiet kid into a loud one.

I've spent 30 summers at camp and been to more than 500 camps in 48 states, and now I run one in New Hampshire.

She's Still the Reserved Kid

A mom at our camp described her daughter to me like this. "She has never and will never be a rah-rah, in the middle of the cheer circle kid."

What changed after a summer was smaller than that, and I think it's better. At visiting day, people kept saying hello to her daughter, and her daughter just said hello back.

"She's still the reserved kid. She's still going to be an observer first. And then she also is just walking around with her head a little higher."

People love the camp story where a kid shows up shy and goes home an extrovert. Sometimes that happens. More often it's what that mom saw. Her daughter doesn't need to stand up on a table and dance every time, but she can walk around with a stronger back and do things that feel uncomfortable and be okay after.

If a camp promises you a brand new kid, I'd be a little careful.

Why Is Camp Easier Than School for a Quiet Kid?

For a lot of boys, sports is the way in. If you're a good athlete you pick up a basketball and it just fits. One mom told me that's her middle son, and that her youngest could make friends with a rock. She was calling me about her oldest, who is gentle and reads for hours and watches a room before he joins it.

What camp gives that kid is time. Sleepaway camp is good for most shy kids because they live with the same small group for weeks, so friends come from time together and not from who talks first. Here's how one girl explained it to her mom after her second summer. They all had to live with each other, and it didn't matter how embarrassing something was, because they were all goofy and "there was no judgment."

Nobody has to be good at talking first when you brush your teeth next to the same six or seven kids for weeks.

At our camp, most of the day runs by age group and not by bunk. A new kid gets 15 to 24 kids to find their two or three in, and doesn't get stuck with whoever sleeps in the next bed. Last summer 66 of our campers were brand new, so a first-year kid is never the only one who doesn't know where the dining hall is.

The best camp I know for a quiet kid, other than the one I run now, is one I helped start. Camp Stomping Ground is thoughtful and small and welcoming, and I'd look for those three things before I looked at any activity list.

The First Summer Can Be Slow

I'm just going to admit the part that doesn't make the brochure. For some quiet kids, the first summer is only okay.

One girl came to us after a few hard years at school. No playdates, nobody to walk home with. Her camp friends had a group chat, and after her first summer she would read it and never type anything.

The change came in her second summer, and her mom thinks she knows why. "She knew kids at camp this year." After that summer she started texting the camp girls back. She did the lip sync in front of everybody, which her mom never would have pictured. She worked backstage on the camp show, and then she went home and signed up for backstage at the school play.

Camp is not magic, either. That same girl still gets left out by a group of girls at home. Camp didn't fix those girls. What her mom sees now is that it doesn't sink her whole week. "If they're not my people, they're not my people."

How Do I Know If a Camp Is Good for a Shy Kid?

A dad asked me this fall what our thing is. I said something like, well, we're good at friends and stuff. Which is true, and is also what every camp director in America would have told him.

So don't ask a camp if it's good for quiet kids, because we're all going to say yes. Ask these three.

Tell me about a quiet kid from last summer. What was the first week like, and what was the last week like? You want a real kid and a real story, and you want the first week to sound a little hard.

How many adults will know my kid's name by visiting day? One of our moms told me so many adults walked up to her on visiting day and said "oh, you're her mom" that she lost track of which ones were the bunk counselors.

What does a kid do here who doesn't want to be on stage? Backstage counts. So does running the scoreboard.

And if it's a big camp, ask how big. How many kids in the whole place, and how many in your kid's age group. That same mom's daughter has a close friend who went to a bigger camp and had a rough summer. "It was just too big, a little too cliquey." Big camps are great for plenty of kids. A kid who watches first can get missed in one.

I put the rest of what I'd ask in 13 questions to ask a sleepaway camp director.

Quiet Is Fine. Not Wanting to Go Is Different.

The girl at the top hated sleepovers and still wanted camp, and that second part is what I listen for. A shy kid who wants to go usually does great. A kid of any kind who flat out doesn't want to go is telling you something, and I wrote about how to tell the difference in what age kids should start sleepaway camp.

When I talked to the mom whose daughter found her people in year two, I told her what I tell a lot of parents of quiet kids, because it's true. The unit is better because she's in it. It would be worse without her.

You got this,

Jack

P.S. Got a quiet kid and a list of camps? Text me at 585-451-5141 and tell me about them.

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