What Happens When Kids Fight at Sleepaway Camp? How Camps Handle Conflict and Bullying

Your daughter is going to get frustrated with a girl in her bunk this summer.

It's a feature, not a bug.

At camp, she can't leave the group chat. She can't block her on Instagram. She has to show up the next day at the dining hall and eat at the same table. And it's going to happen for the next seven weeks, so they have to figure it out.

Full disclosure: I own a sleepaway camp in New Hampshire. I'll tell you about it at the end. I've also been to more than 500 camps across 47 states, so I've seen a lot of ways camps handle this.

The Short Answer

Most fights at sleepaway camp get worked out by the kids, with a counselor close by to coach.

At a good sleepaway camp, most conflict gets worked out by the kids, with counselors coaching from close by. If it keeps going, it moves up a ladder to camp leadership and a call home. Physical fights, hate speech and bullying skip the ladder and get swift action.

Why Camp Is Different

Kids at camp live with people they didn't choose. They solve problems without walking away or texting you. They make group decisions multiple times a day.

There's nowhere to hide, which turns camp into the perfect place to practice working through disagreements.

And most of the fights are small. Kids argue about Gaga with the intensity of Supreme Court justices. "You can't double touch!" "That hit me on my thigh, not below my knee!" Whose turn for the shower. Who gets which bunk.

Your son is going to have his version too. Who's up next in carpet ball. Whose call it was in Gaga.

The stakes feel huge to a 12-year-old, so the practice counts.

Step 1: Kids Work It Out

This is the absolute best case. Two kids talk to each other and figure out what they need.

Kids work stuff out all the time at camp. Who's up next in carpet ball. Who gets one of the few spots to go tubing. They mostly work that stuff out.

They do get better at it. A kid gets better the longer they're at camp in one summer, and then over the course of their life.

Of course, sometimes adults step in. We train counselors to be on the lookout for when a kid is about to boil over. At our camp there are 2 or 3 counselors in every bunk of 6 or 8 kids. Counselors know their kids, so they can usually see it coming. They move closer so they can coach kids through it.

Step 2: A Counselor Nudge

The counselor talks to one kid at a time. Sometimes just one of them.

"Hey, how do you think they feel about it?"

"What would it be like if that happened to you?"

The counselor asks questions and lets the kid get there. "What do you think they need right now?" is one of my favorites.

A lot of times, a kid who's upset with another camper starts with the solution. "I just want them to go home. I just want them out of here."

Step 3: The Sit-Down

As you sit with them and talk more, and eventually bring them together with the other kid, they soften.

It's hard to look somebody in the eye and say, "I want you to go home." You have to be really upset to want to do that.

My favorite version of the sit-down is facts, feelings, future.

1. What happened?
2. How do you feel about it?
3. What do you want to happen going forward?

Kids can listen to each other. They hear the problem, and their solutions are sometimes simpler and better than what an adult would think of.

Most of the time, when kids actually talk with each other, the big ask turns out to be small. "Just ask me before you use my stuff or sit on my bunk."

Step 4: Leadership Steps In

If it keeps going, the unit leader brings in the division leader or the director. That conversation is more disciplinary. It's still about problem-solving, though. The question is "what do we do next?"

Will Camp Call Me If My Kid Is in a Fight?

Carpet ball and Gaga calls don't get a phone call. Kids work those out.

Once leadership is involved, most of the time we call home and let you know where we are in the process. A lot of the time that call doesn't include your kid.

If the behavior keeps going, we call home again, and this time your kid gets on the phone and talks to you.

Some things get an immediate call, even the first time. Physical fights. Hate speech.

When Do Kids Get Sent Home From Camp?

Unfortunately, kids sometimes have to go home. That happens when the behavior is repeated and flagrant.

Something egregious, like a physical fight or hate speech, can mean going straight home. That's especially true when a kid doesn't show remorse for what they did, and isn't looking to rebuild the relationship and work through it.

What Is the Difference Between Bullying and Conflict?

It's about power and repetition.

StopBullying.gov puts it this way: "Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time."

At camp, a camper might have the ability to put down another kid. Maybe they have more social credibility. Maybe they're tougher or stronger, or they can get other kids on their side. When that camper starts to target someone over and over, it starts to look like bullying.

Two kids arguing about carpet ball is conflict. They're on equal footing, and the ladder works.

Bullying is not tolerated. It skips the ladder and gets swift, immediate action.

When the Letter Comes Home

Say you get a letter that says, "She's being mean to me."

Remember that letters arrive many days after they're written. And kids often write them when they're the most sensitive or upset.

Call the camp director. Ask what they know about it. Give them whatever context you have. That way they can go out and understand the reality of the situation, and follow up with you once they've dug in.

At our camp, we talk to you right away. It takes us a couple of hours to dig through what the reality is, and we give you an update as soon as possible. That usually takes 2 or 3 hours.

What If My Kid Is the One Causing the Problem?

You'll hear from us once leadership is involved. A lot of the time that first call doesn't include your kid. If it keeps going, your kid gets on the phone and talks to you.

The conversation with your kid is still about problem-solving. The question is "what do we do next?"

What matters most is what comes after. A kid who shows remorse and wants to rebuild the relationship and work through it is doing what camp is for. The kids who go home are usually the ones who don't.

Why We Let Kids Work It Out

You're going to get mad at your boss. You're going to get frustrated with your husband. You're going to get upset with a friend. You can decide whether you just write them off, or try to figure out how to work through it with them.

At the biggest scale, there are only two ways to solve problems in the world. Through force or through communication. If we get better at talking to each other and working through stuff, we get better at stuff.

Camp is where kids get the reps. And there's connection before conflict. By the time the big disagreements happen, they've already paddled canoes through rainstorms together and stayed up late swapping stories. They've seen each other at their best and worst.

Kids don't give up what they want. They just learn that disagreement can be a puzzle to solve together. I wrote more about how kids learn this in How to disagree (at camp or in the real world).

6 Questions to Ask a Camp Director

Full Disclosure

I own Camps Kenwood & Evergreen, a brother-sister overnight camp in New Hampshire. Our camp runs on three agreements, and one of them is "work through conflict when it comes up." You can see what that looks like at kenwood-evergreen.com.

Whatever camp you pick, ask the six questions. The answers tell you a lot.

She's going to get frustrated with someone this summer. Then she's going to show up the next day at the dining hall.

You got this,

Jack

P.S. Got a question about how a camp handles this? Text me at 585-451-5141.